Vertigo
by scofieldskatic
Summary: 'She's here. She's fine. She's okay for now.' A post-ep CarSon fic following the events of Valentine's Day 2019.


Silence fills the air as his fingers trail along the curve of her back, the weight of her head anchoring him as her steady breath against his chest washes his irrational worries away.

She's here. She's fine. She's okay for now.

His right hand brings her left to his lips, a quiet apology for how he initially reacted, and her lips seek out his sternum in acceptance. They never could just appreciate the gifts of the universe, not with the endless complications consuming their world, but she understands.

He's scared.

She's scared too.

And they're both handling their fear in very different ways.

He never did well feeling out of control. But then again, neither did she, not without someone around to ground her.

Without _him_ to ground her. To believe along with her that everything would be okay if they just kept faith in their future together.

She felt like she was spinning all day, her shock morphing into anxiety over what he'd say, trying to hold onto tentative feelings of excitement while finding herself unable to say those two words out loud as the day passed her by. A reprieve came when he walked up behind her, his arms wrapping around her as he whispered his love for her in her ear before his lips began to map the slope of her neck as he reached for her hand to pull her upstairs.

Because when she's in his arms, all she needs to focus on is the way he loves her. How he worships her. How it feels to have his forehead pressed against hers, sharing the same air as their noses graze together. The stroke of his finger against her cheek is enough to make the air go still, to cease the frantic spinning of her mind.

But then came talk of surprises and the anxiety set in again.

Eventually the words found their way out. Talking in circles about how unpredictable life is and the ways it's like childbirth had gotten her nowhere in the way of telling him, and wow, she really made that comparison, didn't she? And somehow, as real as the news already was to her, telling him made it _real_. With him in a state of shock and denial, telling him that she was sure was reaffirming to her too, forcing her to really think about all the questions she'd been trying so hard to push from her mind.

_"You don't want this baby?"  
"I don't want you to have a stroke and die."_

_"It seems to me that you don't want this baby under any circumstances!"  
"I didn't say that!"_

Their conversation was still clear in her mind. The memory of his voice cracking breaking her all over again. She should've known that telling him not to worry wouldn't have changed anything, no more than it helped her when he told her not to worry about him. No matter how much she tried to talk about having this baby, he seemed intent on shutting her down. Like he was trying to put distance between them and this whole new life.

There was only one problem with that. She was already attached.

She could never not want her own baby. She thought Sonny would be the same way, but it seemed he firmly drew the line where her life was concerned.

Thinking about it, it doesn't surprise her. And she couldn't completely hate the fact that he feels that way. She had the day to come to terms with all of this and he'd only just found out. Processing something like this would definitely take time. And there would be risks. And this was the last thing either of them expected to happen now. And if this baby were born, they'd definitely stir up a lot about M–

No. She wasn't going there, not now.

Still, it bothers her. He didn't not want the baby, but he never explicitly said he wanted the baby either, the small distinction leaving her heart aching.

_"First things first, alright? You're gonna see the doctor and see how big the risk is."_

For some reason, it felt like squabbles over how much of a risk was too high of a risk would be the least of their worries. Like even if she were able to carry this baby to term, he would still keep himself detached, a way to protect himself in case anything went wrong. But no matter how much emotional distance he tries to maintain, she knows it wouldn't make a difference to him. If something did go wrong, he'd still feel the pain, just like her. That's the point, whatever happens, they're supposed to get through it together in the way only they can. But then again, he could turn around and come through for her with all the happiness and hope she wants him to have. She really needs see a doctor, it's the only way to move forward because it's the only way he'd move forward.

She just wants to start talking about the baby and what it'd mean to them. She knows Sonny's still awake beneath her. As much as he's neglecting to talk about it, she can hear the wheels turning. He doesn't want to worry about the details yet, but–

"What are we gonna tell the kids?" Her voice soft and wary as it fills the air. He startles at that, his eyes snapping open, adjusting to the darkness of their bedroom, a shadow of light from outside filtering in. She waits a moment before continuing, "no matter the risk, we have to tell them something. Even if it's not… they'll notice something's off and we'll have to tell them, so how? How would we tell them? What would we say?"

He can't quite bring himself to give her an answer. As much as he wants to convince himself they may not have to worry about telling the kids anything at all, he knows she's right. Carly wants this baby and as unexpected and risky and painful as it is, any baby between them automatically has him wrapped around their tiny fingers, and if the risk was too high, it'd come between them and the kids would notice.

If they did follow through with having this baby, they'd definitely have to tell the kids before the bump told them first. Avery would have so many questions.

Carly with a baby bump. That's one of the most beautiful things in the world. And dangerous too, he supposes. Not just in the sense of her having a stroke, but anyone or anything that served to threaten their child, they'd be on the receiving end of her wrath and that's probably the most dangerous place for them to be. Carly in protective mommy mode really is a thing of beauty.

It'd also be a ton of stress on her which wouldn't help the situation. His mind was reeling, making him dizzy with uncertainty. Why did everything about this have to be so complicated?

Unnerved by his lack of response, she turns her body away, pained by his hesitancy to speak, but unable to leave the warmth surrounding her. He can feel the tension radiating off her in waves. It draws him forward to cover her body with his, kissing her shoulder as his arm comes around her, hand landing at the curve of her belly. He can't give her much, not yet, not with all the turmoil festering inside him, but he could give her this. A simple touch in comfort.

She's stiff under him, refusing to cave as her heart desires, a stray tear threatening to track a line across her face, and he realizes she needs more. He takes a deep breath, taking in the sweet scent of her hair, sealing away his nerves from the sound of his voice. "I don't know what we'll say to them," he starts, and her brow furrows in curiosity. "How we'd tell them either way, I don't–I don't know." He pauses for a moment, Carly's shaky sigh in response clouding his mind. He buries his face at the base of neck again before continuing, "Joss and Michael are gonna be surprised. They're gonna wanna make sure you're okay, 'specially Michael, you know how he is." She could almost laugh at that. She does know how he is. "And after everything with his own baby–" that sombers her, "but he'll follow your lead. You might not be able to get Josslyn to leave your side, but it's not like you'd want to. Kristina seems like she's in her own world right now, but she'd be happy to be a big sister again. Dante, if I'm ever able to get in contact with him again, he'll be surprised and concerned and all of that, you know him too." In the midst of all his ramblings, Carly starts to relax, the tips of her fingers coming to meet his over her belly. "And Avery. Avery would be excited. As much as she loves being the baby, having a little sister or brother she could play with and teach things to, she–she would love that."

The stray tear has fallen, bringing with it a few more and her hand finds its place over his, fingers tangling together.

And just like that it's still again.

Because when she's in his arms, relaxed and content, feeling like they can handle anything, it's all he needs for the spinning to cease. At least for now. It's enough for now.


End file.
